Five (Deeply Personal) Things

The Mold Journey has begun—and dang it, God goes with me so I can somehow find the joy and beauty among the terror of it. I will.

Y’all. I’m tired. My body is ready to go to bed the moment I get out of bed every single morning. I’ve been overweight for three years. My sinuses are a disaster. I never breathe well at night. Therefore, I’m not sleeping well—sometimes only four hours a night. Nothing I try helps with my weight that’s likely behind aching joints, difficulty exercising, poor sleep, etc. I’ve tried every trick in the book—and I know a lot of tricks. My soul is exhausted, too. Mentally, I’ve tried thinking positive, acting normal, praying, scripture meditation and affirmations, reading a ton of books and studies…and yet every morning without fail, I wake up with an aching low back and splitting headache. I hate it. I hate that I’m not fully available for my last child at home. I hate talking about it. I don’t want to admit it. I especially hate writing about it right here, right now because of the permanence of it. Because I don’t want to be a whiner, nor do I want endless advice from well-meaning friends that only serves to increase the overwhelm and exhaustion.

However, I believe God is doing a new thing—one where faith, health, and environment are all revealing more of His character. My faith has not wavered. I’m doing my best to be patient because He’s in the waiting. I’m finding more depth to His love in the midst of my struggles. Not only do I believe He will fully exchange ashes for beauty, I also see the beauty while I’m in the ashes.

Maybe, for reasons of your own or similar ones, you can relate. We are sojourners together. I share these deeply personal feelings as a preface to this month’s five things that overlap with my journey through this experience:

A revelation I had—One night when I could sleep I started a diary on my health—mostly so I can work on in words what I’m struggling with, a process that helps me “connect the dots,” if you will. I’m trying to avoid rage journaling, which to be honest, I’ve tried and it only made me feel more sick and pathetic. Within the first page of writing, I realized the one thing I’ve stopped doing—yoga—is what has previously helped my back pain, which is the first domino that fell in this season of problems. I haven’t been making time for stretching, so I’m going to start being more intentional with it, even if it’s just 10 minutes a couple times a day.

Something my family is doing—I’ll just cut to the chase: we are remediating mold from our house.—thanks to a dog! Shout out to Alpha Dog Inspections in Springfield, IL. Jojo discovered four spots of toxic mold in our house, including three that were’t too surprising that will require removing a bathroom to the studs, tearing out the kitchen ceiling and cabinets, and ripping into two other walls to see what lurks behind. On top of that, we had a few other issues, the biggie being that our attic is a mess—66 years of crumbling insulation, dust, dirt, and all the toxins (mold and God knows what else that accumulate!), plus holes and deficiencies in our ductwork allowing dust to gather in excess and shoot right into our bedrooms. No wonder nobody in our house is sleeping or breathing well! My husband Dan has already began pulling out the dirt-packed (flexible…ask me why that’s problematic!) ducts and replacing them with hard ducts. We are hoping that it doesn’t get too hot, since we cannot turn the air conditioning on until he’s finished. He’s trying to do this in the pockets of his time in a cramped, hot, completely filthy environment. Please keep us—especially him—in your prayers, as well as the financial end of this beast, which can feel paralyzing. It can sound pretty depressing, but I have so much hope! We will all feel so much better after we can make these changes!

Something I wrote about—Everything I wrote for The Epoch Times in March touched me in some way—either being super positive or impactful. It was hard to pick just one to share but the one on how marijuana’s potency has changed and made it more addictive was eye-opening to me. I don’t think I appreciated how hard it was for two people I know who’d both become sick with cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome to overcome addiction, virtually without support. Sure, cannabis and marijuana have medical promise, but it’s valuable to know its potency is being manipulated. You or someone you love might be paying the price for that. You can read the story here or check out all of my headlines here.

A quote I loved—”Let my hair flee and my face sag! Let my body decay and the creases of suffering show. It is not brush-stroked beauty that draws the heart; it is the rare presence of delight that captures us for the journey.
—Dan B. Allende from “The Healing Path” (An older book I wholeheartedly recommend!)

Lord, help me stay focused on Your delight and sharing it with others, remembering that you don’t see as the world does and that aging is a beautiful thing!

Something my family did—We rescued a cat from a really awful situation, and she’s exactly what we were looking for (A Russian Blue who loves people and affection and can at least tolerate dogs…working on that last part!). She’s recovering from a nasty ear infection but she’s a super sweet and good girl who’s likely 5 or 6. We named her Mabel “Miss Biscuits” because she loves to make biscuits. My husband is having some nasty trouble with his sinuses, and we are all praying it’s the dust and mold and seasonal blooms and NOT this kitty, who is supposed to be more hypoallergenic. My little one will be devastated.

I am constantly being reminded that we go through life with so little control, and that I try way too hard to hold onto it when it’s just an illusion. Moments can hold delight or sorrow—sometimes they magically hold both—and they are worth investing in. Don’t get swallowed up by past mistakes, future anxieties, do-to lists and the like. Let loose a little, let the color come back to your knuckles, smile, take deep breaths because it feels good—rather than to “hack your health”—do something relaxing every day, talk to God a lot, take time to listen at least once a day, and try to be where your feet are always. It’s not easy, but this is true healing.

Shalom,
Amy